Monday, December 3, 2007

My Eyes! My Eyes!!!!!

WARNING! WARNING!!! ALERT! ALERT!!!----This post is not intended for spiritual edification. If you are looking for a more spiritual post please see the posts that follow this one. This post is not suitable for male eyes. If you are reading this and you are a male, please hit the back button and check this site at a later date. Consider yourself warned. Thank you.

I have to say that the past few weeks have been some of the busiest in my life. The bad part is that things don't show any signs of slowing down (at least not until April or maybe June). My little one has a sinus infection (at least I hope that's all it is). I am taking him to the doctor in about an hour, but I wanted to tell you about my Saturday. Warning: the following story is graphic and some of you may be offended by its content. So, forgive me in advance.

For the past few years, I have been trying to find a time in the summer to take my oldest son to swimming lessons. The problem is that we are never home in the summer. We usually vacate for about 4 weeks out of every summer and there is little time for proper swimming lessons. so, this year, I decided that we would just do swimming lessons in the winter. I called to sign both boys up, but the lady who I spoke with said that you had to be at least 5 to take lessons. So, I only signed the oldest up. Lessons are every Saturday at 9 am (not happy about that, but we do what we have to do to teach our children valuable life skills).

**** I know this post is long, but I have to include the next 2 paragraphs in order to give you the background you don't think I am an idiot for not being prepared. If you want to skip the background move down to where the ***'s are.

I get to the pool at 8:45. I have my kids dressed in layers because it IS winter after all. We walk in the door to the pool and it is like a huge sauna. It had to be 98 degrees in that place. So we start shedding layers immediately. Finally, it is time for the lesson and my big boy does GREAT! The teacher even asked if we could come for the advanced class at 9:30 am. Well, wooohooo, yes, of course, we can come 30 minutes later! I noticed some children who were younger than 5 getting their suits on and getting in the pool. I quickly went to the receptionist and asked if there was a class for my 3 yr old (well, he will be 4 in January). She said yes and apologized that someone had misled me earlier. I decided to sign him up and just let him wear his brothers swim trunks this time (even though they were a tad too big --- and by a tad, I mean like 3 sizes- it took 3 safety pins to make them work).

I was so excited that they both get to take lessons on the same day each week! Swimming is a life skill - I would be a terrible mother if they never learned to swim, right? I paid the lady and she said, "Y'all will need to go to that end of the pool in 5 minutes". I say "Excuse me? Did you say y'all?" ( Here in the south that means you all -plural - meaning I would have to get into the pool as well). She said "Oh, I forgot to telll you that you have to get into the pool with him." Okay, I know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think I would have enough sense to remember to tell a woman that she is going to need her bathing suit. She could plainly see that I was standing there in my Jeans and sweatshirt! Sheesh, what is wrong with people?!!!! The teacher kindly agreed to take him out with her that day thankfully. So, now, I have to put on my bathing suit every Saturday morning for the next 8 weeks and get into that public pool against my will. Oh, the things we do for our children! I know there will be men and women there shielding their eyes from the sight of my huge white body (I used to be somewhat thin and tan, but that was in the good old days). They will be saying "Why did that woman sign her kid up? Why must we look upon her large pasty white frame every week? Why? Why? Why?" All I can say to those people is : I am sorry, I did not know I would have to subject everyone to this misery. I am truly sorry for any inconvenience I have caused you and I will gladly pay for any eye damage caused by the rays from my white skin. (Thankfully, my stretch marks have faded a bit since the muchkin was born, so they will be spared that ugly detail).

***So, when the muchkin's lessons were over, I took them into the women's locker room to change. After all it IS winter here in east Tennessee. That's when I saw them. The image will forever be seared in my mind. I stopped as I entered the door and my mouth gaped open like I had seen a ghost or had been witness to a terrible crime, but I wasn't so lucky. There were women everywhere. Women in their 70's - some in their 80's. None of them were clothed. What I saw was almost too horrific to tell. There were boobies everywhere. They were mishapen and awkward. I have to be honest - they were hanging down way farther than they should have been (way farther than they should have been --- way farther!!!!!!!!!!). I wanted to scream, "My eyes! My eyes!", but there would have been no one there to listen to my cries.

Fortunately, I quickly remembered that I wasn't alone. My two young, impressionable boys were holding my hands at my side. I immediately went into mommy mode. I shut my gaping pie hole and took action. I looked for the closest place where their eyes would be safe from the scene around them. I noticed a bench on a wall in the corner. I grabbed my boys and ran (I know it's against the rules, but desperate times call for desperate measures). Here is how the dialogue went:

Me: Boys, face the wall!
Boys: But, Mommy...
Me: I said face the wall!!!!
Boys: Mommy, why do we have to....
Me: Because I said so! Keep your eyes on the wall in front of you!

After what seemed like years, I finally got little one out of wet clothes and into his dry ones. I was sweating by the time I finished (the hair wasnt pretty, my makeup was sliding off my face, and I fear that I may have not smelled as fresh as one should that early in the morning). I told them to look down at the floor (actually I said "Do not take your eyes off your shoes until we get to the door" - I thought it could be like a little game :-). I smiled at all the women this time making eye contact for fear I might see the sad, tired girls hanging down again. (No chance of seeing them if I make eye contact if you know what I mean). I have never been so happy to leave a place in my life!

Now, before you judge me or write me nasty comments saying that I am cruel and uncaring, please understand one thing. I was not scared by the fact that gravity had hit these women so hard, but by the fact that one day I will be standing there with my boobies hanging down to my belly button and one day I will have skin on my body that looks like I am wearing the skin of a 600 lb woman on my 140 lb frame. (I fear that it wont be long before I am those women!) I am sure that many of you are thinking that I was quite harsh with my kids, but the truth is that the sight of those women could have scarred my boys for life. Or even worse: they could have stared or asked embarrassing questions OUT LOUD that the women could have heard (oh, I cringe at the thought!). So, you see it's not that I am uncaring or cruel --- actually quite the opposite. I was concerned for the women in there (for more reasons than one) AND for my impressionable, innocent young babies (what if that sight was burned on their minds forever? It could turn them against women and I may never have grandchildren! - I couldnt allow that to happen).

So, now I am forced to go through this torture every week for 8 more weeks. Pray, sisters, pray like you have never prayed before. I need mercy in this situation. Don't think I haven't considered taking my chances at us all getting pneumonia and just running to the car in our suits from now on. But you all know I can't do that. My husband can't take them - he is working on our new house on Saturday mornings. It seems that I am between a rock and a hard place on this one. Please dont leave me ugly comments as I am only sharing my thoughts here - Judge not! Maybe we should also pray for each other. Pray for those who already have the plunging nubbies and pray for those of us who have yet to experience that problem. Would it be wrong of me to ask you to pray that when my time comes I have the extra money to have them surgically brought back to their upright position?


Mari Fontana said...

LOL...ok that was soooo funny....I do not judge you at all. I would not want my boys to see it either...
I'm still laughing...

Fran said...

Yep. Shut thee eyes and do what I say! :)

I'm with ya momma!

He Knows My Name said...

ok, just a thought...what is hubby doing the next 8 weeks on saturday at 8:45. maybe the mens room is better?

i must say we went to a local public pool when the kids were young and i do remember seeing all the old girls but i don't remember if my son was there or not? how's that for the aging mind...i just hate this aging thing.

swim lessons at the high school proved to be less traumatic on the visual lessons i do remember that.

love ~janel

jennyhope said...

I am about to die! I would have freaked out! It kills me at work when women want to walk around in the nude trying on clothes. I guess I am a little too modest. It kills me. I felt horrified with you as I was on the edge of my seat reading this!! Oh my!! :) LOL

Earen said...

Oh, I was laughing out loud Bethanne! What's wrong with naked?? OH, just kidding...I've been in the same shoes as you before & eventhough we are women, it's like we go into shock at the difference we see. I recently went to hear a Christian lady comedian and in one of her bits she said that Victoria's Secret no longer had her bra size...a 38 long! Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Bethanne---that's me, I am now one of those ladies after having nursed 6 going on 7 children! :)

I suppose you would never visit a public hot bath here in Japan!! Ha. Ha.

Alana said...

Bethanne, that was HILARIOUS. I mean I am truly tickled at the mental picture of you guys (translate y'all). Especially the whole FACE THE WALL part. Too funny!

I wish I had some advice for you. Is there any other room you could use? Or when do the ladies clear out? Maybe you could swim a little longer until they are all dressed.